Connolly Station - Dublin

This may not look like it, but this photo is actually a bit of a big deal for me. It’s one of the few times I took my camera out and photographed someone who was relatively close to me. As you’ve seen, or may know, I usually try to avoid doing so. I’m afraid of that possible confrontation, a subject I’ve touched on in my other posts here and am going to try and not talk about this time around. Granted, this man isn’t actually facing me so I was able to go unnoticed and not worry, but I still had those thoughts of “quickly now, quickly before he notices.”

I’ve always felt that I have a pretty good eye when it comes to seeing a shot. For some reason though, it took a really long time to be able to parlay that feeling into believing that I’m a good photographer. I used to constantly look at others and compare myself, thinking I would never be as good and become greatly discouraged by it. Whenever I got compliments, I’d think “yeah but they’re your friend, they have to say that.” Despite being able to “see” shot, it was actually very rare that I’d take my camera out because I believed I couldn’t actually capture it “correctly.” If I did, I’d still assume it wouldn’t be right and I’d never look at it.

Case in point: Shortly after moving to Cleveland, I attended the Feast of the Assumption parade in Little Italy. It’s a religious parade full of people in traditional Italian costumes, children dressed as religious figures, and float with a large statue of the Virgin Mary. Being someone who is fascinated by extravagant religious festivals, it was perfect for me. I actually shot quite a lot that day but when I started editing, I immediately became discouraged and stopped. I thought they were awful and didn’t open them up again for months. When I finally did go back through them, I regretted that behavior. The photos were honestly quite fantastic and have became some of my favorites. I believe I was going through a relatively hard time around when I took them so I believe I let that influence my behavior and belief that not only were the photos not good, but I wasn’t either. While I definitely needed to step back and take a breath, it definitely shouldn’t have been for 6 months.

In November, I had a piece accepted into a group show at a gallery inside the 78th Street Studios in Cleveland. At the show, people would vote for their favorite and the winner got their own solo show at the gallery the following month. While I didn’t win, I did came in a very close second. However, it was a victory to me in multiple ways. I always shied away from submitting my work into shows, especially juried ones, for this crazy belief that I wasn’t good enough to even try. By forcing myself to submit to the show, then getting accepted, and then coming in a very close second (with third place hundreds of votes behind) I was finally able to starting pushing past the bullshit. The other part that really helped move through this was knowing it wasn’t just friends and family that voted, a good majority of the votes were from strangers (and my aunt pulling a Russia and illegally voting multiple times). To see that strangers loved and responded to my work enough to be think it was the best out of a crowded group of artists was vindication from the idea that people close to me only complimented my work because of a sense of obligation. The whole event finally freed me from… well myself. While those feelings may never fully disappear, they’re no longer as strong as they used to be.

Anyways…

Here’s a photo of a man reading the newspaper at the train station.

It was an instance of seeing the shot and hearing my gut go “take it. take it now.” I pulled out my camera and waited until he was holding the paper at the right angle so I could see the headline. I ended up taking three photos of him. Then I just slipped the camera back in my bag and continued waiting for the train. It’s a little dark but that’s nothing that can’t be fixed.

I may not always take the shot when I see it, but I’m starting to do so more frequently. Ever since the show, I’ve become more confident in myself and my work. More confident in the belief that I can get that shot that I see.