A Change is Gonna Do You Good

This post summing up my whole time in Ireland has been a long time coming. I have drafts of it from early April. It would have been easy for me to just not finish any of this and shut it all down but it’s been my goal to finish this series since I started in February. Not long after returning to the states, I had overwhelmed myself. I went back to work within days of returning, I started dating again, and filled any spare time with plans. It took weeks for me to find the time and energy to sit down and finish editing the Paris photos, not to mention finish writing about it. I had spent three months taking it easy, exploring a foreign country, and focusing on myself. Now, it was back to reality and instead of focusing on any of the things I learned about myself, I lapsed back into old behavior. But, I think I’ve had enough time to settle myself and get into a good place. So before I begin a new journey, it’s time to finally sum up the last one.

If you’ve read and memorized every bit that I’ve written on this site, you’ll know that the reason I call this The Fagabond is because I feel like I’m constantly moving, looking for that place to call home. I already knew that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in Cleveland but I didn’t know where I wanted to end up. Living abroad had always been a dream but that dream was always France or Amsterdam or like… I don’t know… Vancouver. Ireland never crossed my mind. So when Veronica laid out her very detailed, very well thought out plan for me to come and consider it, I was like “hm.. yeah.. ok.”

I left for Ireland not knowing what to expect. I did zero research into Ireland. I honestly didn’t even know they drive on the opposite side of the road there. But not only did I not know what to expect from Ireland, I didn’t know what to expect from myself. I had this weird calmness about the whole situation. It the lead up to my departure, my whole attitude was very matter of fact, very “mhm yeah I’m going to Ireland for 3 months.” There was no questioning it. Nerves appeared from time to time in the form of uncontrollable giggling but it never turned into “am I seriously doing this?” It was always “I AM doing this.” I think at any other time in my life, I would have freaked out and questioned everything. But everything aligned. I had left a dead end job that made me miserable and my new one was/is great and was surprisingly okay with me leaving for so long and even welcomed me back with open arms (and pie.) I had been able to save up a good amount of money. My housing situation was secure. I didn’t have a relationship to take into consideration. Nobody was trying to talk me out of it. Twas now or never. Plus, it’s not like I was heading to a foreign country with no safety net. I was going to be staying with close family. I think that fact alone was the biggest contributor to my general calmness about the whole situation.

Upon landing, and from then on, I never had a fish out of water kind of feeling. I was comfortable there. I got along well. But I think I new relatively early on in my time there that it wasn’t the place for me. I never had that moment of “YES. This is the place for me.. I want to be here.” It was always a “Yeah.. I could live here.” It wasn’t my speed. Not to say it isn’t a great place. It’s an amazing country with amazing people and ok food. It also resulted in some of the best work I’ve ever created. But I need to have more than that. I need that feeling of “this is the place I belong” you know? I don’t regret any bit of my time in Ireland. It was the time of my life and has changed so much of my life for the better. Before my time abroad, I wasn’t doing too great. I was depressed a lot of the time. I wasn’t doing much of anything. I had a huge emotional breakdown in November. This time in Ireland, and this blog, have been a therapy of sorts. It’s caused me to sit down and look at myself, examine things. If it weren’t for this trip, who knows where I would be now. Would I be going back to school in a few days? Would I have applied for and gotten accepted into an art fair at the end of September? Would I be trying to work on becoming a more open, confident, and vulnerable person?

When I returned, one of the first questions I was asked was “So….?” and I told everyone the same thing “I owe it to myself to see where my life here is going.” While I knew (and still know) that I’m not gonna live in Cleveland for the rest of my life, the prospect of seeing where things would go excited me more than the idea of living in Ireland. My life had been a constant flux for the last few years and I was finally starting to confident in knowing the path I wanted it to go. But I needed that chance to step outside and learn about myself to get to that point. It’s okay to take time for yourself.

I’ve always advocated solo travel, especially to places you’ve never been before. It’s when you learn the most about yourself. You learn quickly what you’re capable of and what kind of person you are. You learn to take care of yourself and that you will be okay in the end. You’ll have moments where you wish you weren’t alone and were sharing a moment with someone. It’s only sad and lonely if you let it be. If anything, it’s one of the most empowering experiences you can have. Don’t want to travel? Go out to eat alone. Go see a movie. Hell go to a coffee shop and sit there for 2 hours. It’s okay to do things on your own. And the sooner we shake the notion that it’s embarrassing to be out in public alone, the better.

Anyways, I’m starting a new adventure soon. I’m going back to school. I’ll be working on getting my bachelors in Art History and judging by the state the world is in lately, that was a solid decision. But it’s fine. It’s what I’ve wanted to study since I was in third grade. I actually applied last year but never followed up after applying. It’s for the best though. I would have died working at the airport and going to school at the same time. Again, things have lined up perfectly and this is the right time for me. Without this time away, as well as dating a guy who whenever I was around I felt inadequate and less (it was nothing he ever did that made me feel that way, that’s just where my mind went any time I was around him or thought of him) , I don’t think I would be confident enough to come to the decision that now was the time to go back.

Finishing this set has reminded me how much I enjoyed doing it. I’ll be updating every now and then on things both personal and adventurous. I want to keep updating that Flaneur section more frequently. I’ve got a draft sitting over there since April. So.. yeah. Thanks for sticking around and I hope you join me for what’s to come.